Hi, friends!
**STOP** If you do not want to read about breastfeeding, nipple pain, or anything of that nature, I encourage you to skip this post.
In honor of Breastfeeding Awareness month, it seemed fitting that my first post of the month be about breastfeeding. I bounced between ideas of sharing tips or resources, but ultimately decided that this is a vulnerable conversation. Breastfeeding is not always the easiest thing in the world. In fact, it can be pretty miserable at times. This is something I wish I had known going into it. Everyone said it could be difficult but it was so magical it was worth it.
So, in honor of Breastfeeding Awareness month and World Breastfeeding week, I would like to share our journey with breastfeeding.
The start: 1-2 months
When our daughter was born, she was able to latch right away. I was a bit preoccupied with the process of after birth and the fact that my daughter was on my chest, so I did not notice that her latch was painful. The first night in the hospital, I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Little Miss wanted to eat every two hours the first night. I was exhausted and a bit delirious. She did not seem to notice that she was born at 2:00 am and therefore needed to sleep. It didn’t help that I spent the first eight hours after we were settled into our room alone with my daughter. Throughout the day and through the second night, her windows shorted to every thirty minutes. I am not sure the reason, but a Lactation Consultant was not available to see us until Monday - I delivered at 2:00 am Saturday. Monday was also the day we were discharged.
Every time she latched, there was excruciating pain. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip her off. She would fall asleep shortly after latching and then wake up twenty minutes later, still hungry. It was maddening. I could not figure out what was wrong.
On Monday, the Lactation Consultant showed me the proper technique for helping latch and that alleviated the pain a bit. Unfortunately, I had been positioning her incorrectly for so long that there was a bit of damage to my nipples. Once they scabbed over, things were much better. That same day was the day we learned that Little Miss had a cyanotic congenital heart defect. A lot of what the Lactation Consultant said faded after we heard the news. I had to call for future follow ups via teleconference.
For the next few days, we continued to nurse every twenty minutes, falling asleep and then waking up starving. I was a zombie. My husband would take her to let me sleep and would come back within the hour because she was too upset to console. At her first appointment, Little Miss had not gained any weight. She had lost weight at the hospital and had not moved since. Our pediatrician, who was actually my pediatrician, recommended pumping so that we could monitor her intake. We also fortified the milk to help her gain weight, as her weight loss was more concerning due to her heart defect.
I felt defeated. I had finally felt like I had gotten the hang of nursing and now I had to stop and start pumping. Pumping. The thing that involved bottles and washing parts, and a machine that made me feel like a factory cow.
The shift: 2 months
We had decided that breastfeeding was what we wanted to do, though, so we continued. And I do mean we. My husband learned how to wash my pump parts properly and helped me set up a station for all of the washing and storing in our room and bathroom. He also made sure I woke up every two hours to pump and would console Little Miss if she woke before I finished.
Now, I want to pause and say that if you have chosen to give formula some or all, there is nothing wrong with that! All that matters is that baby is fed, healthy, and happy. I never drank a drop of breast milk and I think I turned out okay-ish?
I loved giving her breastmilk. It was a point of pride for me to see how many ounces I could get - which soon became a problem.
I did not respond well to the pump. I would have to pump for 45 minutes to come close to emptying, but always had some left. That mixed with little sleep and postpartum recovery led to a strong disdain for my pump. I would hear my alarm go off and cry. I did not want to be a cow. I did not want to pump. I wanted the milk to just come out.
At the end of the day, Little Miss was the priority. Once we could monitor her input, we could figure out what was causing her lack of weight gain. It was a week later, at her first cardiology appointment, that we discovered she had not been gaining weight because nursing was too exhausting for her. She hard to work too hard for her heart. This provided me with a new motivation. If my baby girl could not eat without my help, I sure as heck was not going to give up on her.
I continued pumping and bottle feeding, allowing her to comfort nurse after most feedings. She would suck a few times before dozing off to sleep. This comforted me because I still had those sweet nursing moments, she still felt the skin-to-skin bond and comfort of nursing, and neither of us was worried about the amount she was eating.
The now: 3 months and on
Once Little Miss had recovered from her surgery, we were able to return to exclusive nursing. I still pump a couple of times a day to keep my supply up and for my own comfort. We offer her a bottle when she needs it, otherwise, I use the extra milk to make her baby food. Once we shift to baby-led weaning, we will begin storing the milk or making teething popsicles with it.
Breastfeeding has been one of the most challenging obstacles I have had to overcome in my journey of motherhood so far. It was something I thought would be so natural that was a huge learning curve. Sure, there are times that I wish growth spurts didn't involve my boobs, but most of the time, there is nothing sweeter or cuter than the look she gives me that says "thank you, mama".
If you are struggling in your breastfeeding journey, I encourage you to reach out to the women in your life who have been through it. If you decide it isn't for you, just remember, you know your baby. You are their mother. As long as your baby is happy, healthy, and fed, you have done your job, mama.
I am here for you. I believe in you.
I would love to hear the triumphs and challenges you have faced in this journey. Please share them with me in the comments below.
Until next time, friends!
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