The Magical Exhaustion of My First Trimester

"What is happening right now?"

The moment the lines of that test turned pink, I experienced what I believe to be every emotion a human could possibly feel at once. The initial thought: What in the actual...

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be a mother. I have been dreaming of motherhood since I was a young girl. This was not a dream, though. A few positive pregnancy tests later, I realized this was actually happening! It was here. This is not a drill! I was going to be a mom! My thought process then turned into:

"Oh my gosh, I'm going to have a baby. A human baby is growing in my stomach at this moment. How long has it been there? Is it comfortable? Is it going to make me uncomfortable when it is uncomfortable? Oh my gosh, this baby is going to look to me for answers. I'm going to be the adulty adult to this baby. I'm going to be mom - the one who has all the answers. But I don't have all the answers!! Is there a study guide?!"

This thought process continued for a while and still pops up every now and then, if we are being honest with each other. If I have learned anything in the six months of my pregnancy, it is this: Everything I knew was going to change. Some level of instinct will kick in eventually and I will know what my daughter needs and how to care for and protect her. At the same time, I am not going to feel like I know much of anything for a very long time, if ever again. This is going to be the best and scariest thing we have tackled so far. 

So, if you are currently going through the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts surrounding pregnancy and you cannot focus on anything other than what is to come, my best advice to you is to breathe. Talk to your spouse, your "person", whoever you need. Everything is going to be okay, mama. We'll figure it out together!



"Why do I feel like I am dying?"

Now, I want to start this section off by saying that everyone has their own experience. No pregnancy is the same. There is no rhyme or reason to how your body processes the life it is creating; it does what it needs and you are along for the ride. With that being said, I am going to speak about my experience throughout the first trimester. 

We found out we were pregnant with our daughter when I was four weeks pregnant. We had to wait until eight weeks for our pregnancy confirmation appointment, however, there was no doubting the pregnancy for that month. 

I faced incredible "morning" sickness. Eventually, my husband and I referred to it as baby sickness because morning suggested that it only occurred in the morning. I actually did not struggle with sickness immediately after waking. Once I was awake for about two hours I would feel this crippling nausea with no relief until I fell asleep. I lived off of saltines, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, peanut butter crackers (specifically the orange ones), ginger ale, ginger drops, and Preggie Pop Drops. I wore Sea Bands every day and dreaded taking them off at night. I would spend several days wishing I would just throw up and hopefully feel some level of relief and several nights hoping to fall asleep. 

In the midst of all of this, I found myself feeling guilty. All I had ever heard or read about was how magical pregnancy is. How there is this inexplicable love and connection you feel to the life growing inside of you. 

Well, let me tell you, I did not feel that. 

Every day, I woke up feeling like I had the plague, knowing that it was not going away any time soon. I did not feel pregnant, I did not feel this connection to a life growing inside of me - heck, I could not even tell she was there. I spent nights sobbing into my pillow and my husband's chest because I felt like I was already a bad mother. How could I feel such genuine displeasure during a time that was supposed to be magical? How could I have no desire to think of names or decorate or buy baby clothes because I just wanted to be able to eat fruit without throwing up or sleep without interruption? 

The answer? Pregnancy is miraculously and magically exhausting. Every nutrient, every bit of energy, every fiber of my being was now dedicated to growing and sustaining our precious daughter. Often times, that meant feeling miserable and not wanting to get dressed. It meant not eating a diet that would normally satisfy me or sleeping when I normally would. I would come home from work, take a three hour nap, wake up toe at, and go back to sleep for a full eight hours. 

Growing a person is EXHAUSTING, friends. 

It is exhausting, uncomfortable, and occasionally disgusting. It is also the magical and miraculous experience that everyone tells you about. That is why at the end of it, when you have endured the trauma (for lack of a better word) of labor, whether vaginally or c-section, all you can think of is that little baby. Of the life that you created with someone. The life you carried and grew.

I hold close to this thought now and held it close to my heart while I struggled - and I do mean struggled - through my first trimester. 

Do not hold yourself to an unreal standard. It is magical but it is exhausting. You are a superhero but you are also human! Give yourself a break! Lean on that support network. 

Thank you for letting me share these experiences with you. I would love to hear about your experiences, your questions, anything! Leave me a comment!


Until next time, friends.